After an hour drive through the most beautiful rolling green hills with epic mountains in the distance, I followed Pam and her family down a dirt road onto a more dirty-er dirt road to their beautiful house on the lake. The kids gave me a tour; I would be staying in the guest bedroom in the basement with their room full of bunk beds across the hall. We quickly unpacked the cars and set up a pet gate to keep my cat, Benny, and their dog, Oakley, apart until we could slowly introduce them. Benny hasn’t ever met a dog but Oakley is used to living with 2 cats- I was hopeful they’d be cuddling by the end of the week. We were all starving and I was slightly hungover so we headed to McAllister Steakhouse to fill up.
A quick backstory before getting into the rest of the evening- 9 years ago Pam’s son, Caden, was diagnosed with stage IV high risk Neuroblastoma. Pam and her husband posted daily updates on a blog site, CaringBridge. While they uprooted their lives to get Caden the best care possible at Seattle Children’s hospital I was across the country in Boston reading the updates each day sending love to my friend and her family.
Reading a book is part of their family bedtime routine and recently Caden and Camryn requested they read through Caden’s CaringBridge in place of a novel like Harry Potter. I was honored to be present as they read each night while I was at the lake house. It’s humbling to bear witness to this amazing family’s strength, courage, and pain. It was amazing to meet the little boy I spent a year reading about almost a decade ago.
Childhood cancer is bullshit. Pam, along with the parents of two other families from Bozeman, started a nonprofit, The Bozeman 3, after all three families had children diagnosed with cancer and were receiving treatment in Seattle. If you’re touched by Caden’s story I encourage you to check out the organization and donate, if you’re able. Thanks, Caden, for giving me permission to talk about your story.
We woke up on Saturday morning and after a delicious breakfast on the back deck overlooking the lake and the mountains we headed into the town of Ennis. We walked through the downtown area which is one street with shops for souvenirs and for all things outdoors, a couple restaurants, a distillery, and a Lion’s Club.
After a little shopping and gassing up the boat we headed to the campground/boat landing to put their boat in for the year. Pam drove us across the lake and back to the house while her husband, Jason, drove the truck back. It was a cool but sunny day and it was beautiful on the water.
We started joking about wake surfing and how cold the water would be if we happened to get nice enough weather over the Memorial Day weekend to want to attempt it. I’ve never done it before but have seen a few YouTube videos that looked pretty damn cool and inspired me to add it to my bucket list.
A few couples from the campground where Pam and her family stayed before building their lake house came by and we all sat outside and had a few snacks and drinks. After they left we had dinner and made a fire. Caden patiently taught me how to chop wood and how to expertly set up a little stack of kindling with larger pieces to the outside and get a fire started. He was the most patient, thoughtful, and humble 12 year old boy I’ve ever spent time with.
The next morning Pam, the kids, and I planned to get out on the lake; Pam and I on Stand Up Paddleboards (SUPs) and the kids in their new kayaks. Oakley, their dog, hitched a ride on Pam’s SUP. We paddled around with the freezing water at our feet and the most epic views of the mountains beyond the lake. We did our best to get a selfie with all of us (and Oakley). When we got back to the dock Oakley, out of practice after the winter season away, launched off the board onto the dock which catapulted Pam into the mucky water near the shore. We all got a good laugh because Pam had told me at the beginning of the paddle that she’d never fallen off before.
Later in the afternoon we went out on the boat to ride around and soak up the sun. It was too cool to try wake surfing but it was a wonderful afternoon on the water.
Benny was in his glory at the lake house; he got tons of extra cuddles and attention. The whole family loved him and his laidback, chicken obsessed, take no shit attitude. Their dog, Oakley, on the other hand, was not quite as impressed. Oakley refused to look at Benny and for the first 2 days would growl/whine when in his presence. She is used to having the upper hand and terrorizing/chasing her sister cats around at home in Bozeman. Benny was having none of that and would hiss and posture if Oakley was annoying him or trying to get in on any chicken scraps while at the same time laying down with his back to Oakley or showing his belly like he didn’t have a care in the world and could never be intimidated by a dog.
Keeping that 6 foot distance 
Benny stole Oakley’s bed 
Each day we woke up and had breakfast together- hashbrowns on the grill and bacon or sausage. Each day after breakfast I braided Camryn’s hair in some fun design. We both loved this time together and experimenting and creating.
Throughout my time in Montana I was on the lookout for bison and moose. On Sunday morning we made amazing Bloody Mary’s with our breakfast and a neighbor texted to let us know there were moose in their yard. While we were eating breakfast mama and baby moose trotted into the yard down by the lake shore and I got to see real live wild moose! I took all the touristy pictures and watched them in awe.
Besides the Bloody Mary’s, our other plans for Sunday included wake surfing. It was 85 degrees and perfect. Caden and I made a pact that we would both do it even though we knew the water would be super cold.
Pam did the first run and totally crushed it; she made it look super easy. Next it was Caden’s turn. Pam’s husband, Jason, is able to help us beginners get started from the back of the boat and help us catch the wave and get comfortable before letting go for us to surf on our own. Caden tried a few times and then decided he was done because the water was too cold to keep falling into.
Next up…me. I was excited and a bit nervous. My first ride went well; Jason held my board the whole time while I got comfortable. When I fell in I got a ton of water up my nose and that combined with the super cold water and a rush of adrenaline meant I was hyperventilating. Fuck. Calm down. They’re coming back. Just breathe.
I settled myself down and got back on the boat with my legs shaking. After several deep breaths I steadied myself enough to try again. I was more scared of falling in the second time than I had been the first time.
Jason got me started and I felt great. The wave was perfect and eventually he let go of the board. I was doing it! I was wake surfing… all on my own! It was exhilarating.
Caden got some great pictures and videos and you can see me focusing on my breathing and staying calm. I caught the wave for so long I actually decided to jump in because my legs were shaking and my back was aching from holding on. I blocked my nose and was fine in the water while waiting for the boat to come grab me.
It took me almost an hour to recover from the adrenaline rush- my legs were noodles and it felt like all my organs were vibrating but you better believe I had the biggest smile on my face.
During this surfing session I was also introduced to the tradition of picking “surfing songs/playlists.” Pam had a playlist for each year she’s been surfing. I was told the song needs a good beat that’s just right to pump you up. This is when I played them Vacation by the Dirty Heads which ended up becoming our anthem for the week; we danced and sang to this song everyday after that- sometimes wildly frustrated that we just couldn’t stop singing it.
Next up was Camryn. She had told me earlier in the week that she loves the surfer, Bethany Hamilton, who lost her arm in a shark attack as an adolescent. When Cami got on the board she was nervous and we all kept cheering her on and saying, “you’re Brave like Bethany Hamilton!” She surfed and fell in a few times and then was done because of the cold water.
Monday evening they headed back to Bozeman for work and school and I stayed at the lakehouse to work and meet with clients from there. They returned Wednesday night with the plan for all of us to school and work virtually on Thursday before heading out on the boat in the afternoon.
As if my Montana stay could get any better, Pam texted to let me know they finally got the call they’d been waiting for- to take in their first set of foster kittens. Not only would my new favorite family be returning to the lake house the following day but they would be bringing 4 tiny adorable kittens for us to snuggle and love.
Thursday was 90 degrees with no wind- a perfect boat day. We went for a walk in the early afternoon and saw the moose again on the shore of the lake. We backtracked up the boat landing as moose can be extremely dangerous, especially when the young moose are present.
When Jason got back from work we headed out on the boat to try wake surfing again. First Camryn, then Caden, then me. My first fall I hyperventilated again; even though the water wasn’t as painfully cold, getting it up my nose, not wanting to embarrass myself, and not being able to get out until the boat circled back was a trigger. I tried about 5 runs and while I didn’t have the beginners luck of the long ride my first day I did get a couple minutes of glory while listening to my very first surf playlist.
After Pam and Jason crushed their rides we relaxed and snacked and started talking about a bridge on the lake that they frequently jump off. Caden had done it for the first time last summer and I promised if he did it that afternoon I would too, which is when Camryn said if I did, she would, too. Well that settled that.
Jason directed the boat towards the bridge while Pam (a meteorologist) kept an eye on a possible thunderstorm approaching. Caden, Camryn, and I jumped off the boat in waist deep water to climb the dirt path up to the bridge.
All 3 of us were nervous walking up. When we got to the middle we paused before climbing over the guardrail to prepare to jump. The bridge feels much higher when you’re standing on top looking down than it does from the boat looking up. Before we climbed over Camryn looked at Caden and I and confidently said, “I’m doing this” and over we went.
There were several groups of teenagers jumping off at different places along the bridge. There was a girl, about 18 years old, a few feet from us also preparing to jump. She jumped; now it was our turn.
Caden took a breath and jumped right in. After he swam to the boat, Camryn went after a quick reminder that she’s “brave like Bethany Hamilton.” How are these kids so darn brave?!
Shit. Now it’s my turn.
I stood looking down thinking about hitting the bottom and ending up paralyzed; trying to focus on taking some deep breaths and not on the thunder rolling in.
All I could hear was the kids and Pam and Jason cheering me on from the boat. No judgement, no forcing, just pure support. I kept telling myself I could do it but then couldn’t let go of the guard rail. Then I heard Jason say, “do it for the blog!”
I watched a piece of seaweed float by and told myself ‘as soon as that passes jump… for the blog.’ And I did!
It was amazing and exhilarating and I’m so freaking proud of myself and of Caden and of Camryn for being so brave.
Now for the funniest story of the trip.
We headed home after our bridge jumping to cook some amazing (and huge) New York strip steaks on the grill. As we were eating our dinner on the back deck the sunset kept getting more and more magical. We were almost done eating but had to pause to run out front and capture some pictures. We decided we needed a group photo so I ran and grabbed my tripod.
After getting the right shot we headed back to the deck to find our plates completely empty….. we had left Oakley alone with 5 plates with varying amounts of pristine steaks.
We were laughing and in shock. There wasn’t a single scrap of fat left behind. We quickly realized that the security camera on the back deck may have captured the debacle. We all gathered around as Jason scrolled to the right time frame on his phone and we watched as Oakley went to town on our dinner. We were laughing hysterically and I’m including the picture of her snatching about 6 ounces of what was left of my steak.
Throughout my time at the lake house I ran on the surrounding gravel roads and in the nearby neighborhood. It was hot and dry and dusty. It was particularly challenging to do speed work on gravel but the views made up for all the struggles; I just had to make sure I was looking out for moose. Part of my running program includes 2 days of strength particularly catered towards runners. On Tuesday I worked out on the back deck with the best view and on Thursday Camryn joined me for my workout on the downstairs patio. We had an absolute blast working out and choreographing our moves. Camryn and I shared quite a bond and she became my sidekick throughout my time in Montana. She’s a hilarious, creative, badass who I am so glad I got to meet.
My last run was the Friday before I left. I ran in the morning which I never do- I don’t feel hydrated or fueled enough on morning runs but I was trying to beat the heat that would roll in as the day progressed. My legs were concrete from the week of workouts and not taking my typical Friday rest day (I couldn’t run Saturday because I would be on the road).
When I got back I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I couldn’t get my appetite to kick in but knew eating would make me feel better. I also kept reminding myself the day before a travel day I usually have higher anxiety. The in between of not having a place to stay is unsettling to my anxiety. I was also sad and anxious to leave the security of being with Pam and her family.
We were planning to go to Virginia City that afternoon after Camryn was done with school. I kept thinking I was going to need to tell Pam I couldn’t go with them and that I needed to stay home to calm my anxiety. I couldn’t imagine riding in the car with all the anxiety I was feeling.
Luckily Caden said he was bored and Pam suggested he get a card game from downstairs and the three of us would play while waiting for Cami. I can’t express how much I didn’t want to play. My anxiety was all consuming. I told myself I’d play one round.
Pam dealt the cards for Sushi-Go and we got started. It was everything I needed; distraction and fun. Before I knew it we were a couple rounds in, my anxiety had dissipated, and I was looking forward to our drive to Virginia City. It’s wild how anxiety can take over and then release me. It’s like being tumbled by a wave in the ocean- losing your breath and not knowing which way is up or if it will ever spit you back out. Then all of sudden you’re lying on the beach with sand in your teeth but you’re fine and the sun is shining and you’re free from the grip of the wave and you can’t believe you ever thought it would keep you forever.
Virginia city is an old mining town that maintains its original candor. Many of the shops have been preserved like walking through an outdoor museum. We walked around, the kids got candy at the candy store, and then we headed back to the lake.
On my last night we went to the campground to cookout with Pam and Jason’s longtime friends who are the most thoughtful and hilarious people. We ate, made a fire, and watched the sun set and the lightning crack in distant clouds. They asked about my trip with wonder and support and one of the couples who is from Palm Springs offered to host me when I’m in Southern California in the fall. We are hoping our timing aligns as they stay at the campground May through October.
Getting back to the house it was time to say goodbye to the kids as I would be leaving early in the morning. They each said goodbye to Benny and then showered me with hugs. These kids made my Montana trip; they are thoughtful, hilarious, independent, brave rockstars that I am so honored to know.
Pam was up when I headed off early on Saturday morning. There aren’t enough words to thank her for all she gave me; her generosity, her prioritizing spending time with me, and housing me. We are committed to getting my mom and sister and her sister Robin (also a favorite babysitter) and her family to come out for a lake vacation/reunion next summer. I hope we make this happen.
Montana, you brought my spirit back to life. Chicago knocked me to my knees and then I nursed my wounds in Denver and you, you touched my soul.
Where My Feet Are 