Asheville, NC the gem we’ve all been searching for? Pt. 2

I leave Asheville for Nashville in the morning.  Today is a day the world feels big and scary and unpredictable.  Anxiety.  I’ve felt good the last 2 months in the Carolinas; after all, this was my home for about 10 years.  It feels familiar here and it’s only a days drive back to the “safety” of Boston. I am sitting at my sunny dining room table working on my adult paint by numbers and singing along to a playlist I made this morning of my favorite old ballads; doing my best to distract and engage my parasympathetic nervous system so I can relax before dinner tonight. 

I started the day with the worst run I’ve had in a long time.  It was scheduled to be my first 5 miler in years.  It is freezing here today; 30 degrees but feels like 24.  It is crazy to think my 4 miler last weekend was 70 degrees and I had to remove my t-shirt and run in my sports bra which is something I NEVER do.  Regardless, I spent the first mile convincing myself to continue with the run even though I wanted to turn back and do it tomorrow before packing my car which I knew was a gamble to actually complete it.  I spent the second mile with awful stomach pains swallowing back the need to vomit while looking for a not too nice lawn to aim for if needed and crouching into a balled up squat position.  I walked like this for half a mile and then as fiercely as it came on it faded away and I started to run again.  I walked several of the hills but I finished the damn run.  

Maybe the run sparked some of this anxiety?  Maybe it’s because I’m nervous about heading west tomorrow?  Nashville feels so far for some reason.  It will be my first change in time zones which feels monumental somehow.  I’ve been worried about the terrible weather they’ve been getting both as recent as this week and in the past year, in general.  Tornadoes and floods.  These are unknowns that terrify me.  Blizzards and Nor’Easters feel much more manageable.  

I opened my PowerPoint to look at the things I plan to experience while in Nashville and the title on slide one “Operation: Live Your Life” brought me back to my purpose.  I knew this wouldn’t be easy.  I knew I would doubt myself.  I also know, most of the time, that I can do this.  

I’ve had a magical time here in Asheville and it feels inaccurate to start with the storm cloud I just expressed but also authentic to where I am at the very moment.  So now for some more Asheville magic….

I could see myself living in Asheville.  It is beautiful and I barely scraped the surface of things I wanted to do and see while here.  It has also been amazing in both Charleston and Asheville to spend immeasurable amounts of time with two friends I haven’t seen for years. 

I am starting to look at life through the lens of having spirit guides supporting my journey which feels like an extension of my belief in the universe as a source of energy and collectivity.  Several things have felt like they have come together by an outside force here in Asheville starting with my AirBnB.  I could not find an AirBnB here and was starting to really stress about it.  My therapist recommended I sit down with purpose to search and call on my spirit guides for help and that is when I found my amazing place with my amazing host who gave me permission to have Benny even though the rental usually has a no pets policy.  As mentioned in my last Asheville post, my host is wonderful and has made me some tasty gluten free baked treats over the last month.  Another thing that came together while here was my ability to get vaccinated.  I was able to schedule both doses to perfectly align with my schedule while here which I am immensely grateful for. Lastly, my primary care doctor had recommended I get a physical therapy evaluation while here to address some pain I have been experiencing.  I found it difficult to find someone who took insurance and had availability while I would be here.  After several separate searching sessions I randomly found someone who had openings so I quickly scheduled an appointment.  It turns out she was a remarkably knowledgeable practitioner who I am so lucky to have connected with.  Not only is she a badass PT who presents all over the country but a fellow wanderer who has traveled the country in her van.   She is someone I am hoping to keep in touch with, especially when I get to her personal favorite place, Montana. 

My second Sunday in Asheville I grabbed an iced coffee and took a long ride on the Blue Ridge Parkway which is my second National Park visit.  The views are breathtaking and I parked at a few lookout spots to capture the views. 

Last weekend I explored downtown Asheville with Natalie and her family.  We went to several dinner spots including amazing tapas at Curate. We also went to the beautiful Dobra tea house which is apparently based in Vermont.  We also went to my favorite place yet- Battery Park Book Exchange and Champagne Bar.  It’s basically a huge book store with tables and couches set up where you can enjoy champagne, wine, and charcuterie… heaven. 

As for a quick update on Benny and Henry- they are not snuggling in the sun as I hoped but they are friendly and respectful.  If we had more time I believe we could get to a place where they were friends.  I am going to miss little Henry when we head out.

I found myself visiting a coffee shop, Odds Cafe, frequently due to its proximity to my place.  I loved their hazelnut latte and gluten free vegan muffins.  I ran into an older man there yesterday who held the door for several people thus ending up in line behind them.  When I offered him a place in front of me he told me it was his first day of retirement and he had no time restrictions and was happy to wait.  We got talking about his career working on military submarine lazers and then MRI machines, his love for Asheville, and his daughter who studies neuropsychology.  I offered to pay for his coffee and our conversation shifted to his belief in god. I never know what to say when strangers talk to me about their religious beliefs with an inaccurate assumption that I share them.  I started to have familiar feelings of being stuck and like I’m betraying myself by playing along.  I know he meant no harm and was just a man in love with his life sharing his joy and… it makes me uncomfortable.  Shouldn’t I be able to engage in conversations without being witnessed to and why is it that the only religion this happens with is Christianity?  Is it because it is seen as the majority religion in our country therefore there is privilege and safety in expressing it?  Are people of other religions feeling the need to share but don’t feel safe sharing their Muslim or Hindu religion openly because of systemic racism or is it that they hold more respect for freedom of choice in beliefs?  All questions I don’t have the answers to.

I also turned 35 while in Asheville. It was my second pandemic birthday.  I couldn’t help but feel a dichotomous swell of emotions.  Part of me wishes I could write a letter to my 18 year old self to tell her how amazing this life is.  Once she got over the shocking realization that she didn’t become a rockstar I think she’d be amazed by the career, the big girl apartment, and this current adventure.  There is another part of me that feels like I am crossing a threshold into a new phase of my life; that with each breath I move closer to grieving the possibility of motherhood.  It is a bittersweet mix of triumph and wonder and jealousy and loss.  Cheers to another trip around the sun full of adventure, learning, and gratitude.