Author: Where My Feet Are

Chicago and I have a history.  

Chicago broke my heart in 2010.  We made up in 2016.  

I was excited to return.  It wasn’t an easy trip.

If you’ve read the Where My Feet Are Homepage you know that in 2010 I flew to Chicago to run a half marathon with two of my graduate school friends.  I had started having anxiety and panic attacks on my training runs and was having doubts about going through with the race. I decided to go to Chicago and see it through and had the worst panic attack of my life the same day I arrived. I flew home the next day feeling mortified and terrified and spent the years since trying to get back on solid ground. 

I went back in 2016 to visit my high school friend, Leah, who had also been my roommate for a while in Boston and fell in love with the city. It was hard but it was a success. 

On my current trip, I stayed in Boystown my first night which is a beautiful neighborhood that reminds me of Back Bay in Boston. It is a historically LGBTQ neighborhood and there are rainbows and good vibes everywhere. I settled in and went to Wood restaurant my first night. I sat at the bar and enjoyed a glass of wine, fancy carrot soup, and a steak dinner. 

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After one night in Boystown I moved to an AirBnB in West Town for the rest of my 2 weeks. West Town is not as pretty as Boystown but my AirBnB was spacious and I had a dishwasher for the first time in months! My host was amazing and she owns the restaurant, Flo, downstairs which I ate at a few times. 

My first week I went to the Hubbard Street Murals to check out the street art. I went to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field with Leah, her husband, and her brother.  After the game we went to the batting cages at Sluggers bar. I had an absolutely amazing time. 

My first weekend, I grabbed coffee with one of my friends from grad school who I haven’t seen since 2010 when we were planning to run the half together.  After coffee I headed to the beautiful Evanston neighborhood to explore. I got to see the famous house from Home Alone which is my all time favorite Christmas movie. I also walked around the grounds at the Baha’i house of worship which many people recommended. 

My biggest, most emotional accomplishment of this entire trip, so far, was running in Chicago. My first Monday under an overcast and snowy sky I ran 3 miles along the Lakefront.  My body was so tense that I got cramps and had to walk for a few minutes halfway through but I did it… and I stayed calm. I felt an immense amount of pride and satisfaction. A few days later I did my Wednesday speed workout around Lincoln Park which is the only place I saw on my first trip in 2010 before my panic attack. I felt such closure and accomplishment. I planned to run the well known 606 loop the following Monday but that never happened. 

Chicago was equal parts brave and equal parts a kick in the teeth. I was so excited to go there; I was ready. I spent my first week crushing life and exploring everything I could: running, exploring, dinners, friends…

I spent my second week avoiding leaving my house while watching old Handmaid’s Tale episodes wracked with anxiety. I couldn’t run. I couldn’t explore. I cancelled plans. 

I woke up that Thursday and finally felt better. The headache I’d had for 4 days was gone. The anxiety diminished. I was looking forward to my rescheduled dinner plans. 

I walked to the neighborhood to meet up with my friend and saw a beautiful rainbow on the way. I was thinking I could do this. I thought I was going to be ok. 

As soon as I got there every cell in my body went into panic mode. Hot and cold skin tingling. Thoughts racing. Heart beating. Sick. I’m going to throw up. I need to run. I need to leave. Don’t embarrass yourself. Don’t lose your shit. Do better. You’re a fucking therapist. Is my tongue swelling? Am I dying? Do I need an ambulance? Oh my god don’t embarrass yourself. Step outside. Breathe. Leave. Run. Escape. You’re not ok. You’re in danger. You’re dying. You’re embarrassing yourself. You’re not dying. You’re future predicting. These are all things that haven’t happened and have never happened. Breathe. 

I stayed. I had to tell my friend I was feeling super anxious and wasn’t going to be able to actually eat dinner. We sat and talked. I was determined not to run from it, to ride it out, to see if it would pass enough to enjoy the rest of the evening. It didn’t. My friend drove me home after about an hour.  I’m proud of myself for staying. I’m embarrassed it was so hard. I got in bed when I got home and cried and watched Harry Potter. 

The next day I had a major anxiety hangover- luckily I also had therapy. I spent some extra time in bed and then I went to sit by the lake. Water has always felt soothing to me. It was a sunny but windy day so the lake was choppy and churning. I felt better after sitting there watching the waves crash over the cement shore. 

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I had plans that night to get dinner with my friend Leah who I went to the Cubs game with. I wasn’t confident I would be able to get dinner but I wanted to try more than I wanted to stay home.

On my drive out to the suburbs I saw a scary incident unfold. I had stopped for a woman in a crosswalk who was talking to a car pulling out of the street perpendicular from where I was. All of a sudden the car took off and whipped the wheel towards the woman in the crosswalk and subsequently towards my car- head on. The woman driving the car jumped out without putting the car in park and began punching the woman in the cross wall. I thought the car was going to hit mine but luckily the steering wheel veered to the side and it went onto the curb. I quickly went around the women as I felt extremely unsafe. I could see people running towards them in my rear view and a man jumping into the car to put it in park. Needless to say this was not ideal for my anxiety. 

I got to Leah’s safety and had some amazing puppy therapy with her adorable dogs. We went to dinner in downtown Geneva and had an amazing time walking around and catching up. I didn’t feel anxious and truly enjoyed myself. 

While talking with Leah she helped me have an important realization- I’ve been framing this trip as helping me learn to travel without anxiety but maybe it’s actually about learning to travel with anxiety; managing the anxiety to do it anyways. Somehow this simple message escaped me until now.

On my way out of town I got some famous Chicago style hot dogs from Byron’s and Benny was a big fan.

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The journey from Asheville to Nashville was a hard one for little Benny.  First, he pooped (in his litter box) as we were pulling out of our street.  I thought this was great because we weren’t on the highway so I could easily pull over and remove it so it didn’t stink up the car.  The gas station I pulled into was also playing Rocket Man by Elton John through the speakers which made me smile because my mom is a huge Elton fan and it felt like a little hello from the universe.  

We got back on the road (not the highway yet) and I noticed that Benny peed on one of the pet pads on the backseat- which he has never done.  We pull over, again, and replace the pads and finally get on the highway.  Highway 40 West winds through the beautiful Smoky Mountains; there was water running down rocks and “Appalachian Trail Crossing” signs.  The road was so winding that I had a feeling Benny might struggle- I honestly think most passengers would.  He predictably started drooling and then got sick.  Off the road again to clean up the latest mess (number 3, if you’re counting).  As we pulled back onto the highway the speed limit increased from 40 to 70 which I interpreted (and was correct) as straighter roads ahead.

Once in Nashville, I was able to spend time with two highschool friends.  I was able to catch up with my friend Kyla twice.  Kyla and I went to school in neighboring towns in Massachusetts and both ended up at the same pitching/catching softball camp back in middle school. We grabbed dinner two nights in a row and the second night also made our own candles in the Gulch.  Kyla’s colleague from Sacramento also came the second night and now we are all planning to meet back up when I am in California later this year as Kyla travels there frequently for work.

I also got to spend time with my friend Shana who was one of the first friends I met when I moved to a new high school in North Myrtle Beach, SC my junior year of high school.  We were in chorus and drama together holding down the harmonies in the alto section which Shana taught me how to do.  It was wild to remember back to all that we went through back then.  We were in this amazing group of fellow musical theatre nerds led by our drama teacher; we spent our days dancing and singing, eating our lunch in the drama room, and performing in shows.  For so many of us it felt like a place we finally fit in; we felt like we were changing the world.  Then in 2003 it all came crashing down as we learned that our drama teacher, who we all basically worshipped, was accused of being a pedophile and not only was he abusing our friend and peer but he had left all of his previous teaching jobs for similar accusations and was even married to someone he met while she was his student.  It was devastating.  We then found out he fled the country and then in my first year of college while walking across campus I was served by the state of South Carolina as a witness in his trial.  Thankfully he pled guilty and I didn’t end up testifying.  Needless to say this had a major impact on so many of us, Shana and I included, and unfortunately it now cannot be separated when we sit down to catch up about the shared passion that started our friendship.  

It felt important to include this part of my story because of how impactful it was then. To this day I have attended many leadership trainings where there is frequently a prompt to think of a teacher or coach who had a significant impact on you as a young person and I always think of what this teacher took from me, what he took from my peers and from our friend. 

Shana and I had coffee and breakfast at a local shop called Frothy Monkey which was recommended by a friend of mine and which I quickly became obsessed with (as was the rest of Nashville which was evidenced by their insane lines of customers). We wandered around the 12 South area after eating. We were able to meet up again on my last night at a bar with a super cool vibe, Inglewood Lounge- tons of plants and couches and a massive disco ball. I also got to meet Shana’s boyfriend. It was a wonderful way to close out my trip. 

I revisited the Frothy Monkey many days to get a Hummingbird latte which was espresso, steamed milk, house-made pecan syrup, a hint of banana, topped with cinnamon and dried pineapple garnish- sooooo good.. On one of those days while waiting in the parking lot for my order a woman pulled up beside me to ask about my car as she had been considering buying one for her daughter. While answering questions I told her about my current trip. She was amazed and supportive and gave me some wonderful Nashville recommendations. She’s also a runner and included some running route recs, too. We totally hit it off and I was reminded of how fun it is to meet strangers on this trip.

Tennessee has some amazing hiking and waterfalls and I made sure to spend one weekend exploring.  I went to Burgess Falls which is an easy trail passing several large waterfalls that you can see from designated lookout spots.  I then went to explore Cummings Falls which was a more strenuous hike as you hike down the canyon then traverse back and forth through knee deep semi-rapids to the base of the waterfall.  This particular waterfall is usually packed in the summer and people swim over to it, climb up it, and sunbathe.  It was pretty cold, although a few brave souls jumped in and swam over to the falls.  I ran into several great girls and we all helped each other get pictures near the falls; one of the girls was amazing at hyping up and encouraging the person she was taking a picture of which made it extra fun.  Due to all the rain Tennessee had experienced the week before my visit the waterfalls were raging.  

I continued my running program in Nashville and definitely enjoyed less hills compared to my Asheville runs. I had a lot of anxiety about running while in Nashville; I had a lot of hot runs and a lot of self judgement around taking my camelbak to have water while on my longer runs that in my head weren’t long enough to justify taking it along. My coach helped me reframe some of this self judgement “you’ll be more hydrated and that’s always great” “you can pick whatever route you will enjoy even if it’s a loop to stay closer to home- that’s what runners do with injuries so why not anxiety.”  A huge accomplishment for me was running 6 miles which was the longest run I’ve been on in close to 5 years. 

I also found it challenging to find restaurants with things I can eat. I have a couple food allergies and on both my trips to Nashville I’ve struggled to find things. I also had trouble finding the motivation to truly explore- I felt a bit burnt out as I headed into AirBnB number 6 and month number 4.   My AirBnB also ended up having cockroaches which was stressful and gross. Benny, on the other hand, absolutely loved chasing and catching them… blech!. 

I had several moments in Nashville of realizing privileges I’ve taken for granted throughout my life. The first occurred when I went on a search for a laundromat to wash Bennys bedding. I figured with it being Easter Sunday the laundromats would be empty and I could get in and out. I was very wrong. I drove to 2 laundromats where people were overflowing into the parking lots awaiting machines on dirty cracked linoleum. I’ve never had to pay to do my laundry on a holiday which was almost embarrassingly eye opening; I didn’t even know to be thankful for this.  I was also feeling some burnout around never knowing where my next home will be, if I’ll have an address, and the repetitive searching for new AirBnBs. I’ve never had to doubt where I’d be staying the next month and I’ve never not had an address- I found myself grateful for this opportunity to recognize another worry I’ve never had to consider. I always know I will find a place and even that is stressful- I cannot imagine homelessness and housing insecurity. 

I did get a chance to check out the famous Hattie B’s Fried Chicken and ended up stocking up on my way out town so I could enjoy it again as an easy on the road meal.

As I headed out of town towards the Midwest I was listening to Brené Brown’s podcast with Brandi Carlisle as the guest. She happens to be a huge Elton John fan so after the podcast ended I had to listen to the Goodbye Yellow Brick Road album which I grew up listening to on vinyl. About halfway through the album I realized Elton randomly book ended my trip to Nashville which seems only fitting when traveling through Music City.

An ode to my main man, Benny:

I leave Asheville for Nashville in the morning.  Today is a day the world feels big and scary and unpredictable.  Anxiety.  I’ve felt good the last 2 months in the Carolinas; after all, this was my home for about 10 years.  It feels familiar here and it’s only a days drive back to the “safety” of Boston. I am sitting at my sunny dining room table working on my adult paint by numbers and singing along to a playlist I made this morning of my favorite old ballads; doing my best to distract and engage my parasympathetic nervous system so I can relax before dinner tonight. 

I started the day with the worst run I’ve had in a long time.  It was scheduled to be my first 5 miler in years.  It is freezing here today; 30 degrees but feels like 24.  It is crazy to think my 4 miler last weekend was 70 degrees and I had to remove my t-shirt and run in my sports bra which is something I NEVER do.  Regardless, I spent the first mile convincing myself to continue with the run even though I wanted to turn back and do it tomorrow before packing my car which I knew was a gamble to actually complete it.  I spent the second mile with awful stomach pains swallowing back the need to vomit while looking for a not too nice lawn to aim for if needed and crouching into a balled up squat position.  I walked like this for half a mile and then as fiercely as it came on it faded away and I started to run again.  I walked several of the hills but I finished the damn run.  

Maybe the run sparked some of this anxiety?  Maybe it’s because I’m nervous about heading west tomorrow?  Nashville feels so far for some reason.  It will be my first change in time zones which feels monumental somehow.  I’ve been worried about the terrible weather they’ve been getting both as recent as this week and in the past year, in general.  Tornadoes and floods.  These are unknowns that terrify me.  Blizzards and Nor’Easters feel much more manageable.  

I opened my PowerPoint to look at the things I plan to experience while in Nashville and the title on slide one “Operation: Live Your Life” brought me back to my purpose.  I knew this wouldn’t be easy.  I knew I would doubt myself.  I also know, most of the time, that I can do this.  

I’ve had a magical time here in Asheville and it feels inaccurate to start with the storm cloud I just expressed but also authentic to where I am at the very moment.  So now for some more Asheville magic….

I could see myself living in Asheville.  It is beautiful and I barely scraped the surface of things I wanted to do and see while here.  It has also been amazing in both Charleston and Asheville to spend immeasurable amounts of time with two friends I haven’t seen for years. 

I am starting to look at life through the lens of having spirit guides supporting my journey which feels like an extension of my belief in the universe as a source of energy and collectivity.  Several things have felt like they have come together by an outside force here in Asheville starting with my AirBnB.  I could not find an AirBnB here and was starting to really stress about it.  My therapist recommended I sit down with purpose to search and call on my spirit guides for help and that is when I found my amazing place with my amazing host who gave me permission to have Benny even though the rental usually has a no pets policy.  As mentioned in my last Asheville post, my host is wonderful and has made me some tasty gluten free baked treats over the last month.  Another thing that came together while here was my ability to get vaccinated.  I was able to schedule both doses to perfectly align with my schedule while here which I am immensely grateful for. Lastly, my primary care doctor had recommended I get a physical therapy evaluation while here to address some pain I have been experiencing.  I found it difficult to find someone who took insurance and had availability while I would be here.  After several separate searching sessions I randomly found someone who had openings so I quickly scheduled an appointment.  It turns out she was a remarkably knowledgeable practitioner who I am so lucky to have connected with.  Not only is she a badass PT who presents all over the country but a fellow wanderer who has traveled the country in her van.   She is someone I am hoping to keep in touch with, especially when I get to her personal favorite place, Montana. 

My second Sunday in Asheville I grabbed an iced coffee and took a long ride on the Blue Ridge Parkway which is my second National Park visit.  The views are breathtaking and I parked at a few lookout spots to capture the views. 

Last weekend I explored downtown Asheville with Natalie and her family.  We went to several dinner spots including amazing tapas at Curate. We also went to the beautiful Dobra tea house which is apparently based in Vermont.  We also went to my favorite place yet- Battery Park Book Exchange and Champagne Bar.  It’s basically a huge book store with tables and couches set up where you can enjoy champagne, wine, and charcuterie… heaven. 

As for a quick update on Benny and Henry- they are not snuggling in the sun as I hoped but they are friendly and respectful.  If we had more time I believe we could get to a place where they were friends.  I am going to miss little Henry when we head out.

I found myself visiting a coffee shop, Odds Cafe, frequently due to its proximity to my place.  I loved their hazelnut latte and gluten free vegan muffins.  I ran into an older man there yesterday who held the door for several people thus ending up in line behind them.  When I offered him a place in front of me he told me it was his first day of retirement and he had no time restrictions and was happy to wait.  We got talking about his career working on military submarine lazers and then MRI machines, his love for Asheville, and his daughter who studies neuropsychology.  I offered to pay for his coffee and our conversation shifted to his belief in god. I never know what to say when strangers talk to me about their religious beliefs with an inaccurate assumption that I share them.  I started to have familiar feelings of being stuck and like I’m betraying myself by playing along.  I know he meant no harm and was just a man in love with his life sharing his joy and… it makes me uncomfortable.  Shouldn’t I be able to engage in conversations without being witnessed to and why is it that the only religion this happens with is Christianity?  Is it because it is seen as the majority religion in our country therefore there is privilege and safety in expressing it?  Are people of other religions feeling the need to share but don’t feel safe sharing their Muslim or Hindu religion openly because of systemic racism or is it that they hold more respect for freedom of choice in beliefs?  All questions I don’t have the answers to.

I also turned 35 while in Asheville. It was my second pandemic birthday.  I couldn’t help but feel a dichotomous swell of emotions.  Part of me wishes I could write a letter to my 18 year old self to tell her how amazing this life is.  Once she got over the shocking realization that she didn’t become a rockstar I think she’d be amazed by the career, the big girl apartment, and this current adventure.  There is another part of me that feels like I am crossing a threshold into a new phase of my life; that with each breath I move closer to grieving the possibility of motherhood.  It is a bittersweet mix of triumph and wonder and jealousy and loss.  Cheers to another trip around the sun full of adventure, learning, and gratitude.

I arrived in Asheville about 2 weeks ago and I have 2 more weeks to spend here. My AirBnB is the best place I have stayed yet.  It is the cutest coziest little studio above the garage of my host, Aimee, who lives in the main house on the property. I arrived to fresh flowers in the kitchen and living room, a welcome card, and fresh made shortbread cookies.  It turns out my host is a badass ultra runner who owns Sweetheart Bakery (@sweetheart.bakery on instagram and check out her “Bakers Against Racism post below) and sells her creations in bakeries all over Asheville.  I have made friends and fallen in love with the stray cat on her property, Henry, and I am doing my best to get him and Benny to also be friends. 

Asheville is an eclectic town with beautiful mountain views, tons to do outdoors, breweries, wineries, coffee lovers, hippies, and social justice warriors.  There are people with colorful hair, tattoos, and piercings everywhere and as my friend Natalie told me “there’s no dress code in Asheville” which is exactly my kind of place; I feel welcome as I am everywhere I go. I have seen more people wearing masks and talking about getting vaccinated as soon as they’re able than any of the other places I have visited.  As I have walked and driven around I have seen more social justice signs on front lawns and businesses than in Boston- Black Lives Matter, John Lewis Quotes, Love is Love, and “Wherever you’re from we’re glad you’re our neighbor” in multiple languages.  I’ve also appreciated seeing churches with BLM and Silence is Violence signs.  

On my second day here I was able to receive the first dose of the COVID vaccine.  I had put my name in when I was still in Charleston and someone called me within an hour to say they could book me for an appointment in 2 days because they need to administer 1000 vaccines a week and weren’t meeting their quota.  I am extremely grateful, as a healthcare worker, to have made it work to receive a vaccine while on my road trip and have it fit perfectly into the time I am here in Asheville. My appointment was at UNC Asheville and the experience was phenomenal; every human supporting this effort from the workers in the parking lot, to the people checking me in, to the person giving me my shot, and so on were the kindest people which helped my anxiety a lot.  I had a lot of anxiety about having an allergic reaction – my throat closing, a stroke… all of the extreme catastrophic reactions were running through my head.  I brought a book to distract myself and stayed for 30 minutes instead of the recommended 15.  I did feel a rush of panic through my body at about 5 minutes in and had to work really hard to redirect my thoughts because panic feels like the allergic reaction I was fearing but I ended up doing great.  

As you know, I started a running program at the end of my time in Charleston and have been running 3 times a week for the past 4 weeks.  Running in Asheville is BRUTAL; holy freaking hills.  Luckily, my host being a runner, she recommended some straightaways and trails to check out near my AirBnB.  There is a beautiful greenway alongside a stream that I have loved running on.  The more I run the easier the hills get but I have never run anywhere like this.  Just to give you an idea- I ran 4 miles this morning and my watch calculated the hills as going up 15 flights of stairs and down 30 over the course of my run!

The best part of Asheville is my amazing friend Natalie who I met in undergrad at Coastal. She lives here with her husband and their daughter, Aria.  Natalie and Jonathan were dating while we were in school so I have known both of them for about 15 years.  My first weekend we went to brunch at Country Kitchen and then went to explore the Biltmore Estate which is the famous Vanderbilt country home aka mansion in Asheville.  We explored Biltmore village and played on the playground and farm with Aria then headed over to tour the home.  I highly recommend getting the audio tour guide as we were able to listen as we walked through; it tells stories about each room, points out the secret doors, explains the decor, and shares the history of the Vanderbilts and the estate.  It absolutely poured all afternoon but we still had a great time.  We wrapped up the day with a wine tasting at the estate winery. 

Several fun facts about the Biltmore: the 90’s movie, Richie Rich, was filmed there and there are a lot of sites that claim it is one of the most haunted places in America.  The audio tour didn’t mention anything about this which I am assuming is because they don’t want to scare the children listening along …or maybe not to annoy the ghosts.  Regardless, when we were in the basement and entered the old pool room I had an awful feeling and didn’t want to linger; at the time I attributed it to my anxiety about being in the basement of a mansion with no clear way out but once I started researching I found that many people get a bad feeling in the pool room due to assumed spirits in that area of the house.

Yesterday/Saturday I spent the day with Natalie and her family again.  We got an early start and went hiking at Gorges State Park; we hiked up to Rainbow Falls which was breathtaking.  We had a picnic lunch overlooking Turtleback Falls before heading back.  One of the many things Asheville is known for are black bears.  As a new hiker, it was pretty creepy to be aware of making lots of noise because the bears are coming out of hibernation and have a significant presence throughout the area.  Little Aria, my new bestie, is only 4 years old and absolutely crushed the hike with us!

Hiking is another anxiety producing activity for me for the same theme of reasons- feeling far from help and like I can’t really escape.  A lot of people feel like nature is the escape and can’t imagine it ever feeling suffocating or inescapable.  It takes a lot of concentration for me to stay in the moment, especially on the way back not to pick up the pace to get back to the perceived safety of the car. Luckily, Natalie (and her husband) are very understanding of my anxiety and I felt really comfortable throughout the hike. 

After our hike we went to Stone Ashe winery; we sat in adirondack chairs with a beautiful view and shared a bottle of chardonnay.  As we sipped our wine we talked about everything from parenthood to business ownership to travel to mental health.  Natalie is one of my friends who has seen me at the very worst of my anxiety and remained a true and supportive friend.  We also went to graduate school together which was during the worst of my anxiety.  I could barely sit in our classes as I was in a constant state of panic; sometimes I couldn’t even hold a conversation with her because all of my energy was being focused on not running out of the room.  I stopped being able to hang out with her outside of our classes because I was only leaving my house for work and school.  I’ve lost friends along the way for not being able to hang out or for having panic attacks in front of them, not Natalie.  Not only was I not able to be in Natalie and Jonathan’s wedding in 2011, I couldn’t even attend it.  I’ve always regretted this and while we were at the vineyard I was finally able to tell her this in person and Natalie being Natalie told me she had always understood why I couldn’t do it at the time. 

Sunday morning I woke up and headed to grab a coffee and go drive the Blue Ridge Parkway which is a beautiful stretch of highway that stretches 469 miles from North Carolina through Virginia.  The views were breathtaking and I was able to stop at a few lookout points to take pictures; this also checks off another National Park on my trip.

To close out my weekend I went and got a late lunch on the patio at Universal Joint and spent time working on my blog.  It has been interesting as I have talked to several people about my blog and my anxiety that so many have said the idea of going to a bar, restaurant, or exploring on their own is anxiety producing while I experience my anxiety very differently.  I have appreciated people sharing their struggles with anxiety as it is a way to connect, validate, and be grateful for the things I can do.

Although I have visited Charleston several times before while living in North Myrtle Beach and attending Coastal Carolina University I was extremely excited to be back and to have a full month to spend there.

My wonderful friend Jessie who I grew up with, playing softball on multiple leagues (the most memorable coached by our dynamic dads) and navigating the outskirts of small town popularity, has lived in Charleston for about 10 years. Not only was I excited to see Jessie but she also hooked me up with a place to stay in a finished garage of one of her friends right in Jessie’s neighborhood, i.e. tons of friend time to be had. I stayed with Chelsey and her dogs – Chelsey and I got along great and I totally fell in love with her 13 year old Maltese, Kaya, however, as much as I wanted Kaya and Benny to be friends, this did not pan out. 

The weather in Charleston was not ideal for exploring for the first 2 weeks- it rained for 12 out of the first 15 days I was there. I am grateful that it was only rain, as much of the country was experiencing snow and freezing temperatures.

My first Saturday was freezing and rainy but I went out to The Harbinger Cafe to grab a cold brew coffee because the cafe was recommended by a friend. They have a super cute dining area that I would have loved to hang out in if it weren’t a pandemic. 

The next weekend was sunny and 60 degrees and I headed out to explore ALL the beaches but first- coffee. I went to Brown Fox Coffee in Mount Pleasant which was the cutest yummiest coffee place! It’s a small shop where you order through a window. There was a large line which I took as a great sign that I was in for some good coffee. I got a hazelnut latte and it might be the beat I’ve ever had. 

Coffee in hand I headed to Sullivan’s Island which was beautiful and remote with dunes lining the beach. I sat for a bit and enjoyed my coffee then headed north to Isle of Palms and sat on a blanket on the beach for a while; people watching near a private pier, talking to my mom, taking some pictures, journaling, and reading. I took a quick lunch breach at home then went in search of the well-known Folly Beach. Folly had a much more beach town feel as I was driving through- lot of tourist shops and food spots. I relaxed on the beach and read a bit more and played around with some headstands because- why not?! 

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Ok now for all my friend time with Jessie:

Jessie and I hung out as much as humanely possible in a months time. I went over for dinner my second night and got to meet her wonderful husband, Josh.  Each time the three of us hung out we relaxed and had amazing conversation about politics, racism, gun control, assisted suicide, and gender identity to name a few. I love spending time with people who I can have deep conversations with while challenging and respecting each other. 

Jessie and I also went on several after work walks, got in some ass kicking workouts in her garage, and she joined me on some of my neighborhood runs.

One Sunday we went downtown to walk around and explore.  We walked along the battery and I got to see the gazebo where Jessie and Josh got married last March. I took pictures of the beautiful, classic Charleston homes with their funky front porch doors and gas burning porch lights. We went to the pineapple shaped fountain, got a coffee, then went to an adorable olive oil store where we tasted infused olive oils and balsamic vinegars.  We walked through the City Market and browsed the displays- I got a couple beautiful handcrafted stickers for the cargo pack on my car and a Christmas Ornament from a local artist. From there headed to have a rooftop drink at Uptown Social which is the bar that the couple I met in Key West own. It didn’t work out for us to meet up but it was definitely a full circle moment. 

I got to meet Jessie’s hilarious best friend Baillie and we all grabbed our softball gloves and played a game of catch (our dads were stoked).  Josh and I realized we both grew up playing Spades so we obviously roped Jessie and Baillie into a foursome to play 2 different nights. We taught them Spades then they taught me Aquarius which was another fun game. 

Throughout my time on Charleston we had planned to have “Oyster Day!” on my last weekend there which would include real clothes and an oyster crawl through Charleston with Jessie, Josh, and I. We started at Rappahannock Oyster Bar which had an industrial feel with lots of wood and exposed brick- I would definitely recommend checking it out. We had oysters and shrimp cocktail and they were delicious. Our next stops was Oyster House where we got to sit outside across from City Market and enjoy more oysters, mussels, and a lobster roll. Our third stop was Pearlz Oyster Bar which is divier and more of a local stop. It is also where I had my very first Oyster Shooter which is basically a shot that tastes like a Bloody Mary with an oyster in it….. interesting.  Jessie’s friend Baillie joined us just in time for the oyster shooter. We wrapped up at Stones Throw Tavern where 2 more of Jessie and Josh’s friends met us and we sat outside on the patio and ate some more. It was such a fun day!

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As for my running update, I increased my mileage from 2.1 to 3.1 miles on each of my runs and was able to run quite a bit through the neighborhoods surrounding where I was staying. There are tons of little ponds scattered throughout the neighborhood with signs warning of alligators- not something I see on my runs in Boston. I also started a 12 week running program my last week in Charleston with a Boston/San Diego based trainer, Get Well with Kel– there will be a lot more running to come!!

I stopped in Savannah, GA on my way from Miami to Charleston; Savannah may be one of the prettiest cities I’ve ever visited. In trying to explain it to someone who has never been, it feels like this beautiful mix of Burlington, VT, Newport, RI, and Charleston.  There are historic buildings with beautiful architecture.  The trees throughout Savannah absolutely took my breath away. They’re all massive, dripping with Spanish Moss, and form a canopy over the city. 

Savannah is a city full of squares and parks; 22 to be exact.  Every couple of blocks there is another square dedicated to a famous battle, revolutionary war hero, and many people responsible for the establishment of Georgia.  

My AirBnB was in the perfect location on W. Broughton and Montgomery.  I was able to walk to all the destinations I wanted to see. It rained most of the days I was there but I bought an umbrella and went exploring anyway.

I made sure to finish reading Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil before my trip, as recommended to me in Naples, so on the first day I had to walk to the Mercer Williams House Museum.  The house is beautiful from the outside and I just kept wondering if the bullet hole is still in the floor of the study. 

From there I walked to Forsyth Park which is the home of the beautiful fountain that so often is in pictures of Savannah.  The fountain is an exact replica of the grand fountain in Paris and there is an exact replica of the Forsyth fountain in Cuzco, Peru.

I tried to visit the Book Lady Bookstore because it came up in my research and books are my happy place.  Unfortunately, it was closed for the week but I still got to capture a few pictures outside and peek in the windows of the door. 

The Savannah River runs through the city and the waterfront is lined with shops and restaurants.  I got a coffee and strolled around while a man was playing the saxophone by the fountain.  The river is large and murky.  On one of my walks I got to watch a huge cargo ship come in to unload. 

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I went on one run in Savannah- through Forsyth Park and then looping back to the waterfront. It was a perfect running day- sunny and a cool 60 degrees.  I was only planning to run about 2 miles but because I was enjoying myself, not looking at my time, stopping to take pictures of whatever caught my eye I ended up running over 3 for the first time in a while which felt great. 

Savannah is a city I definitely need to come back to after the pandemic.  There was less mask wearing than in the cities I visited in Florida so I didn’t feel safe going to any of the many recommended restaurants or bars. 

I can’t believe a month has already passed and that my time in Miami is over.  It was an amazing 4 weeks of sunshine and beaches and pushing against my fears.  I still can’t believe this is my life and how lucky I am to be able to do this trip.  I get to be my own boss and work from home and travel wherever I want to.  It is amazing and the privilege is not lost on me.

Florida was more amazing than I thought and I barely saw it.  There are so many state parks and a handful of national parks.  There was so much to do outside and away from people after being closed up in my apartment in Massachusetts for months.  The entire time I couldn’t get over the beauty of the vegetation- the trees, flowers, plants- made me feel like I was in Cuba and not the US. 

One of my biggest accomplishments while here has been running.  I have a love/hate relationship with running, and not for the reasons you might think.  I absolutely love running- being outdoors, seeing what my body is capable of, experiencing the changes in seasons day to day, breathing fresh air, and shutting the world off for a bit.  I have a ton of anxiety around running- I’m far from home, what if I can’t get back, what if I have a medical emergency, what if I throw up, what if, what if, what if.  A big part of this stems from a major panic attack I had on a long run while training for a half marathon I never completed.

I wanted to run in Miami; the weather was perfect and how often does a Boston girl get to run in a tank top in January?? So I ran.  And then I ran again.  I ran 7 times while in Miami.

Regular running anxiety mixed with travel anxiety and I don’t know a soul who could come rescue me within hundreds of miles of here anxiety and I feel pretty damn amazing about this.

Onto the next adventure.

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My goal in this blog is to document my travels for myself and then friends and family who are interested in following along.  My secondary goal is to document how I experience the world in relation to my anxiety to validate or normalize it for others experiencing the same thing and to normalize therapists working hard at managing their own struggles.  Yes, good therapists have their own mental health challenges – it might be why they chose this career and it might make them even better at it.  Sometimes we all (myself included) need a reminder that heart surgeons can have heart problems and eye doctors can need glasses.

So Key West…. I was very anxious about driving down to Key West.  I was worried about feeling claustrophobic on all the bridges and then the small island once I got there.  My flight response gets worried that I will need to leave a place and then not have the ability to do it, i.e. be so petrified that I can’t turn around and drive myself home; that I will need someone to come get me.  

Truth be told I had semi-planned to go the weekend prior to when I actually went but avoided booking a place due to my anxiety.  The night before the drive down I was doing all the things I could think of to manage the overwhelming unease and dread I was experiencing: breathing exercises, essential oils, mindfulness, positive self talk, all the things.  I slept horribly that night.

I felt less anxious waking up the next morning which I was very grateful for.  I made a commitment to myself to be present and try to enjoy the ride which I did to the best of my ability.  I felt like I was holding my breath at times waiting to get to the famous 7 Mile Bridge. I kept wondering “was that one it?!” but I assure you, when you finally reach it, you know. The views from the bridges were amazing- I have never seen the ocean look as beautiful or have as many different colors as I experienced in Florida and my drive to Key West. 

Before I visit any of my planned stops, I research the top things to do and the first stop on my list was Smather’s Beach which was a bit overrated, to be honest.  Yes, there are beautiful palm trees lining the beach but it was pretty small, there were large rocks in the water, and it felt like you were on the side of the road.  It wouldn’t make my list of Key West recommendations especially because there were so many amazing spots. 

I didn’t stay at the beach very long which meant I still had a few hours before I could check into my AirBnB so I looked at my apple map and found a place on the ocean to head to.  For a place I randomly picked on a map, Louie’s Backyard was HEAVEN. There is indoor dining and an upper level porch but if you keep walking you will find a second porch with a small wrap around bar that sits right on the Dog Beach (named because it is the only dog friendly beach in Key West).  The experience was absolutely incredible; sparkling aquamarine water, waves crashing, and adorable dogs playing- I told you- heaven.  I had a delicious cocktail and then a glass of rosé with my lunch of bacon wrapped shrimp with honey glaze, avocado, and mango. I also had the pleasure of sitting a few stools down from a couple from South Carolina.  We started talking about my trip and my work as a traveling virtual therapist and how they have children my age and their son has special needs and has adapted to all of his support services going virtual.  We bonded over a shared favorite coffee place and exchanged emails.  Meeting them was a treat for so many reasons- having a connection with strangers, realizing I might meet some amazing people on my journey even in this isolating pandemic, and that maybe I really should start the dang blog I’d been debating and order some cards to hand to people I meet along the way. 

On to my AirBNB which was exceptional.  I stayed at Andrew’s Inn and Garden Cottages – my very first bed and breakfast.  I quickly checked in and then headed to the Hemingway House and Museum which actually backs up to Andrew’s Inn property.  The Hemingway House was beautiful as were the grounds.  I went on the guided 30 minute tour which I would highly recommend.  The most fun part of the property are all the cats.  Apparently Hemingway loved cats (especially those that are double-pawed), he adopted several  and they continued breeding- most of the cats I saw on my visit were double-pawed.  There are about 50 cats that live on the property today that wander in and out of the Hemingway House and their own little cat houses.  The $16 for the tours goes to feeding and spay/neutering the current cats although, they explained, at least once a year a cat gets pregnant just before their appointment to get fixed and a litter of kittens is welcomed to the crew. 

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I headed back to my AirBnB to go for a swim in the courtyard pool and participate in happy hour.  Not only are they a bed and breakfast but they have a free wine, beer, and snacks happy hour for guests from 4-6pm.  The owners are a wonderful couple who met in Europe and decided they were over corporate and military life and moved to Key West to run the B&B.  The husband, Michael, took care of the handful of guests at happy hour and nurtured the conversation to flow between everyone.

I realized I was about to miss the sunset and quickly got ready and headed west in search of a dinner spot with a view.  I arrived just in time to see a breathtaking orange sun dip below the horizon line and hear the group of onlookers clap as it did.  I had planned to go to a recommended tapas restaurant right where I watched the sunset but they refused to seat me as a party of 1- I was a bit shocked and bit hurt- my single status is a personal point of contention and reminders are unnecessary. 

I ended up finding an amazing restaurant in an old house with a small outdoor bar that happened to empty out just as I arrived so I had the place to myself to enjoy my dinner of swordfish risotto with black bean and corn.

Fun fact about Key West: there are roosters EVERYWHERE.  Apparently, they were brought over from Cuba and were used for both food and cockfighting.  When cockfighting was outlawed people just let their roosters go and they have since bred and are all over the island.  In my research I found that they are referred to as “Gypsy Chickens” by locals, it is illegal to harm or kill them, and there are so many the island hires professionals to relocate masses of them to farm sanctuaries throughout Florida (we’re talking 1000 roosters being rehomed).  It made for very interesting walks and an ever more interesting morning when at around 4am they all start crowing/cock-a-doodling and they don’t stop for hours; there is no sleeping in when in Key West.

Getting woken up early wasn’t a problem because I wanted to get a picture at the famous Southernmost Point Buoy and hopefully avoid the midday lines.  I brought the tripod I bought for my iPhone and was a little embarrassed as this was the first time I would be setting it up and using it in public.  However mortified I am to be seen like the Influencers in the Wild handle I am more interested in not returning home after this road trip with an album full of selfies- I also don’t want to hand my phone to someone else because you never know if they’re going to do a good job, if there will be people around, and with COVID it feels like a non-option. Luckily, there was a group of 3 women behind me who were super supportive and joking with me as I set up to get my shot. 

It was breakfast time when I got back to my room and I sat on the porch of my room and had a mimosa and wrote in my journal.  The couple staying in the room next to me was also sitting on our adjoining porch and we got to talking about music and where we were all from; they were from NYC but spend a lot of time in Charleston because the man owns a restaurant there.  The woman and I exchanged instagrams and hope to meet up again in Charleston when I am there in February.

To close out my trip, after checking out, I went to Fort Zachary State Park and beach.  The Fort,  I learned, was the longest running fort in the US, served in multiple wars, and was actually a Union fort in the Civil War working to keep Confederate Ships from getting to their forts throughout the south.

The views and the beach were breathtaking.  There were jetties that many people were swimming out to with snorkel gear.  The sand was pure white crushed coral and the water was crystal clear. The water was much colder than I expected but worth it- I could have stayed all day.  

I did have some residual anxiety on the drive home because after all it is still 150 miles of 2 lane roads and bridges through the middle of the ocean and the Everglades but I am so grateful that I went to Key West, had the experience that I did and met the people I met.

Naples is almost directly across Florida to the west of Miami and requires a drive through the Everglades to get there.  Vicky’s in-laws, Liz and Guy, have a home there and have been quarenting there instead of New England because, again, why not quarantine in a place where the weather is warm enough all year to ride a bicycle and walk on the beach.  They invited us to come stay the night in the condo next to theirs which is conveniently owned by Liz’s sister.  As you may know by now, if you’ve read my About Me, I am from a tiny town in South Central Massachusetts where everyone knows everyone.  I happen to have known Vicky’s husband and his family since elementary school so not only was I comfortable because I know them I also trust them in how they have maintained social distancing throughout COVID. 

When we arrived we caught up on their lanai (a word I learned on this trip).  Liz and Guy happen to be coffee connoisseurs (my kind of people) and have an espresso machine in their home. Liz made me a homemade coconut-almond latte.  Side note- my mom is a serious coffee lover and has her coffee with a special milkyway creamer every afternoon at around 4pm.  Liz not only happened to make us wonderful coffees right around that time but she cheers-ed my cup which is something my mom does all the time.  It was such a special moment for me that made me feel connected to home and my family.  We then sat down to continue catching up and plan for dinner.  

Liz and Guy had reserved the grill in their condo complex for us to cook dinner outside with another couple they have been seeing outdoors; being outside would allow us to eat together but at separate tables. To pass the time before dinner Vicky and I walked over the beach which you can see from their condo.  They warned us that they had the Red Tide and to wear masks because the spores from the microorganisms get into their air.  In New England, I have seen what we call the Red Tide in Newport, RI many times but have experienced it more as a ton of red seaweed that smells like low tide.  We were coughing while walking the beach and there were dead fish everywhere.  Aside from the Red Tide we saw a beautiful sunset and I dipped my toes in the Gulf of Mexico!

We had just enough time before dinner for Liz to drive Vicky and I around a short tour of Naples because I had never been.  The three of us wore our masks in the small space of the car and off we went.  Vicky had described Naple’s to me as a pristine, manicured community “without a single palm frond on the ground” (palm frond is the 2nd new word I learned on this trip).  Liz drove us through both old and new Naples.  New Naples reminds me of a mix of Newbury Street in Boston and Market Commons In Myrtle Beach, shops and restaurants with condos above them. We also drove by “the small mansions” on our way back to eat dinner.

We met Liz and Guy’s friend from the condo complex outside the pool house. We had a wonderful dinner of grilled fajitas, pork, homemade guacamole, and salad.  We had wine and great conversation about everything from the couple’s sailing adventures to books to family to politics to my trip.  The woman, Donna, recommended I read Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil when she heard I was both an avid reader and planning to visit Savannah, GA.  She explained that it was basically the bible of Savannah, based on a true story, and that I would want to check out the places mentioned during my time there- consider it read. 

After dinner we went back to Liz and Guy’s and continued to share stories and wine.  We had intense conversations about politics, racial inequity, and sexuality yet were all able to thoughtfully share differing opinions and consider each other’s points; it was beautiful and inspiring.  Guy then played the acoustic guitar for us as the perfect end to a wonderful evening.

Before heading off in the morning we went for another walk on the beach with Liz and then Liz made sure I had a fresh latte for the car ride.  She also found out I was going to be collecting bumper stickers for the cargo box I had installed on the roof of my car and told me she had been holding onto one, not sure what to do with it, to be my first addition.  “WTF: Welcome to Florida.”  Everytime I get in my car and see this sticker I laugh a little.

One of the things that took the edge off of leaving Boston and saying goodbye to my family was knowing my bestie had booked a flight (for $100 roundtrip!) to see me 5 days after I arrived.  

Vicky and her household and my sister and I have been a pod since the summer because she takes COVID just as seriously (aka is just as anxious about it) as I am.  I have also known her since Middle School so our families are close; the ongoing joke is about how sad I am that Vicky’s daughters like my sister more than they like me.

Vicky flew in Thursday evening and would be staying until Monday morning.  Our attempt to go to the beach and swim out to the sandbar didn’t work out as expected because it was overcast and a bit cool (obviously nothing compared to the New England winter we were both escaping) so while we laid on the beach and caught up we didn’t get in the water.  

After the beach we headed to the Wynwood Walls section of Miami which hosts an outdoor graffiti art museum.  We didn’t do the official tour because it was still closed down but we were able to see some amazing art throughout the entire neighborhood.  We had also carefully chosen an outdoor rooftop bar to go to at 2pm in the afternoon when we were hoping it would be less crowded.  We went to Astra and had the best time; the view of the Miami skyline, the frosé  with flower garnishes, the art on the buildings around us, and the lack of people anywhere near us- it was perfect.  

We also researched several outdoor dinner options while enjoying our drinks with a view.  We found a few places with fancy dress codes (not our style- if you knew us in high school we were the ones adorned in black using safety pins as accessories). We chose a place a few blocks south in the Coconut Grove neighborhood called Glass and Vine . It is an open concept restaurant where most of the seating is in the adjoining park- we felt safe and had a wonderful dinner. 

The next morning we headed out to explore the Everglades listening to the playlist we made the night before including our favorite songs to belt out and harmonize (Sara Bareilles, Miranda Lambert. Taylor Swift, Kacey Muscgraves, Pistol Annies).  Seeing Everglades National Park was a huge bucket list item on my Miami trip itinerary.  We headed out on the 2 hour drive (with our 13 hour playlist) through the Everglades towards our destination of a recommended airboat ride place.  We were going to play it by ear and decide if we felt safe enough to get on the boats once we arrived and checked out the COVID scene.  

The scene was concerning- not a soul in sight was wearing a mask and they were putting about 18 people on each boat (yikes!). We got out of the car in our N95s to scope it out and ask questions about the smaller boats we saw.  The woman at the ticket counter was wonderful and when we told her we were trying to be socially distant, even though she didn’t have a mask on, she was thoughtful and kind.  She told us a smaller boat made for 10 was leaving in 20 minutes with “a family of 6; 2 kids, 4 adults, from Ohio.”  We told her we would think about it and walked away.  As we were walking around the corner of the fence preparing to leave we see a family of 6; 2 kids, 4 adults walking towards us- all in masks.  I hesitated and then asked the father, “Are you the family of 6 from Ohio?”  He chuckled and wondered out loud how we knew he was from Ohio but alas he was, they were, and they were leaving on a 12:00pm boat.  We explained why we asked and that we were still considering it and went our separate ways. 

As Vicky and I stood there contemplating I had to spend a moment discerning what was COVID cautiousness and what was my own anxiety around boats.  I feel a bit trapped on boats and planes and other things/places I can’t just leave (yes, the flight/escape thing is quite the theme).  As I was listening to my anxious part and my let’s do hard things part go back and forth the grandfather figure of the Ohio family group came back around the corner, gave us a thumbs up, and told us he confirmed we’d be on their boat and that the ticket lady was holding the tickets specifically for us.  Well Vicky and I took that as our sign, ran and got alcohol wipes for the earphones and seat rails, and sanitizer for our hands and off we went.

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We had the best time flying around on the fan boat, checking out the alligators and learning all the random things- like how racoons live in the Everglades (what?!).  As we were getting off the boat we all got ready to tip our captain, Jake, who was about 24 years old and had grown up in the Everglades.  I was first out of the boat and thus first to tip and Captain Jake reached out to shake my hand in appreciation and I swear to you I had a minor seizure- I haven’t shaken a hand or touched a stranger since last March.  As a therapist, I usually pride myself in being able to effortlessly and respectfully get out of any hug/handshake/high five situation but this completely caught me off guard. I believe,for him, it came from a place of being raised to be a respectful young man who says “yes, ma’am and no, sir” who would rather get sick from COVID than not respectfully thank someone for a tip but wow I wish he hadn’t.  Luckily Vicky had the sanitizer in her pocket and we headed off to see the Tiger King-esk zoo area quickly before getting back on the road to Naples.